Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
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Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?