Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
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Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.