Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
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Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio