My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
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me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
Yup
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.