Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
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I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.