Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
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[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’