*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
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My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.