pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
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I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?