brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
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God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
my first day as a raccoon
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.