*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
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At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
The news is so predictable nowadays
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best