I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
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Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
Haha! 😂
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM