BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
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Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon