Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
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the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
apparently this year was written by stephen king
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!