[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
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I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
Good news
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
me as a parent
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
Meow