Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
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“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
“Huge”.
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
incredible text to wake up to
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
m
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I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.