One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
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I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
Last night my dog got busted taking a cat poo out of the litter tray and relocating it to the living room carpet and let me just say a LOT of things are now making sense. Got to commend the lad on his long game here.
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again