BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
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listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.