@papasuncle: Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi's best movie was Sister Act.
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@amydillon: [sits next to friend in a coma, holding her hand] "Squeeze once if that's an 8 at the end of your HBO Go password."
@TheTweetOfGod: Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
@DukEB51: My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
@sokangarude: People that say "we're not even white, we're pink" obviously haven't seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.