Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
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I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.