Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
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Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.