Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
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Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
🥶🥶🐶🐶
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…