[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
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Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
“you changed” bro i was 15
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
If only.
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”