BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
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*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
Hilarious if literal: arms race
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
a fate I wish upon no one
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free