@TeaPartyCat: BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
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@AlexvanBeek: Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
@NotPeterStark: Me: "Hi, do nurses still give sponge baths?" Nurse: "Sir, you're just here for a blood pressure reading..." *pulls pants back up*
@NYC_Blonde: You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That's what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
@XplodingUnicorn: Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?! 4-year-old: 2-year-old: 4-year-old: 2-year-old: 4-year-old: The dog.