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Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
This was the best day of my life
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this