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Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”