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We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.