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My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.