Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
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[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.