Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
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eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood