BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
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If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.