@Rollmaninoz: BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying "present company excluded of course" after highly offensive statement
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@Classy_Cassy89: My closet should be on Hoarders. Fell in looking for second shoe. 45 minutes later I had to cut my left arm off with a plastic hanger.
@Kyle_Lippert: Her: What are your desires? Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]...Unconventional.
@HiddleDeeDee: 7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed? Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don't laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
@jwoodham: Can't wait to say "I haven't seen you since last year!" to everyone I see next week. I'm a very popular person with thousands of friends.