BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
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I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money