I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
You Might Also Like
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
saw this in a dream
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
They’re the worst 😩
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.