god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
You Might Also Like
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok