Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
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*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.