BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
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*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
My life coach traded me.
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too