BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
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When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
I am never leaving this website
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
when u come home smelling like another dog
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
The Struggle
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk