@jwoodham: BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. "Hitler's haircut is literally the worst," she writes. "Also he's mean."
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@kelkulus: My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
@VodkaThursday: Dinosaurs could be a lot prettier if we'd all just admit they had feathers. I mean they would still eat you, but they would do it prettily.
@newLettuce: Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt