***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
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*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood