***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
You Might Also Like
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.