Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
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Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
I hope Alan is OK
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx