It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
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hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
How your email finds me
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
WHO DID THIS?