*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
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God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
called in thicc to work this morning