if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
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I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
he looks great for his age
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!