*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
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If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
bout dat hot dog summer
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.