Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
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i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
So sick of all these stupid rules
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly