ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
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Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.