[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
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YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
This is my bus stop.
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail