Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
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Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
turning my gender off to conserve energy
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..