*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
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I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.