BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
You Might Also Like
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
I love the smell of relapse in the morning